Billy Crawford went emotional during his The Buzz interview with Boy Abunda where he talked about his break-up with Nikki Gil for the first time.
The It’s Showtime host shed tears even before answering the host’s first question. He said he needs to find himself, revealing that he’s leaving on August 3 to reunite with his mom and dad in the U.S.
Here’s the transcript of his interview:
Boy: Naghiwalay na nga ba kayo ni Nikki Gil? Tell me what you can.
Billy: Nawawala ako. I’m very lost, very confused. Walang kinalaman si Nikki. It all boils down to me. It’s an indescribable feeling, it’s like all these negativity, confusions, the sadness, the hurt… Nikki has not been anything apart from good to me. Everything I said there a while ago, you know, she is a dream come true when it comes to finding the right one. Pero it’s hard to find the right one kung ikaw mismo, you’re not right. And it’s been a while, it’s been a while I’ve been… I don’t know who to blame. It’s been a while I’m back at being myself. Dahil lahat ng tao kasi nakikita nila ako masayahin, matulungin. I tried to do everything I can for everyone to be happy, especially the people around me; the people that I love. And I forgot what makes me happy; I forgot who I am. I don’t know what I’m doing cuz all I know what to do is to work. It’s been almost 26 years I’m in this industry. I’ve been everywhere and this is the first time I’ve ever felt this way. That’s why I ask everyone, do not blame Nikki. She has no fault. I’m not a perfect guy; I’m not a perfect person. I’ve done some things in my life then that I regret and she supported me, she understood. She was there. But I tend to go home by myself. It’s so simple kasi to go around with friends and to enjoy and forget about the problems, whatever you’re going through. Especially kung may naririnig kang problema na pinagdadaanan ng mga kaibigan mo. Sobrang daling makalimutan kung ano ‘yung problema. Nakalimutan ko I’m the one who’s completely lost and I’m searching. I asked her this, you know, give me that chance to find myself cuz it’s very difficult.
Boy: And she said?
Billy: Yeah… I tend to hurt and I tend to hurt her and I really don’t wanna do this interview for sympathy. I don’t want everybody to feel bad for me. I don’t want, I mean, whatever happens, happens.
Boy: And why are you doing this interview?
Billy: I really didn’t want to.
Boy: What made you do it?
Billy: One is that I needed to stop everybody from talking on our behalf. And I’m gonna leave August 3 and I’m gonna go back to my family.
Boy: In the United States?
Billy: Yeah…
Boy: Okay…
Billy: I just… That’s why I’m here because I didn’t want to just leave and not say anything and then for everybody to attack her. And for everybody to speculate. All I could pray for is I just really, for some reason, I needed to be with my mom… I have to start from the scratch. I have to start from… Where did I come from? I came from my parents. I need to try to find what was making me happy before. Who was I and I just want to be with my family.
Boy: Billy, sabi ko sa puntong ‘yan naiintindihan ko. Pati ‘yan siguro nakalimutan mo dahil, you know, you’re talking about your parents. You’re talking about confusion, you’re talking about forgetting who you are and what makes you happy. Ito’y sisimplehan ko lamang. What you’re basically trying to say is at this very moment, “Huwag n’yong sisihin si Nikki. This is about me. This is about my confusion. This is about my life.” Is it safe to say that “It’s about me. I am the reason for the break-up.” Am I making sense?
Billy: I guess so.
Boy: I-klaro natin ‘yon para hindi manghula ang nanonood at nakikinig sa atin. ‘Pag sinabi mong I’m confused, ang sinabi mo, “Nakalimutan ko ang mga bagay na nagpapaligaya sa akin.” Ang ibig mo bang sabihin bahagi ng inyong paghihiwalay ay nawalan ka ng oras dahil nadala ka ng iyong trabaho? I’m guessing again. I-klaro natin ‘yon.
Billy: Isa na ‘yon. There were times when mahirap magtrabaho pero kailangan ng trabaho.
Boy: Nagkulang ka sa aspetong ‘yon?
Billy: I think so.
Boy: And that became an issue in the relationship?
Billy: I would guess that would be one of the smallest reasons.
Boy: Because to some people they would say you guys know what the business is, you’re both public so you know how to manage time. Alam n’yong pareho kayong walang oras. So you’re right it can be one of the smallest reasons. Billy, again para lamang, sabi mo nga ayaw mong umalis sa Pilipinas para manghula lamang ang tao at mag-speculate kung ano’ng dahilan ng inyong paghihiwalay. You have this chance to be very clear. So kung ‘yan ay maliit na bahagi ng inyong paghihiwalay, in a language that you would understand, without having to reveal too much, bakit kayo naghiwalay?
Billy: Honestly, Tito Boy, it’s so hard to love someone and to continue on if I don’t even love myself; If I’m not happy. I can’t force her to be a certain person that I want her to be and it’s vice versa. She wasn’t able to force me being someone that she thought I am. So I think, sa akin lang I just, it’s so hard because even ako, Tito Boy, that’s why I’m searching, e. Because… I just don’t know…
Boy: And it came to a point when you didn’t want to be together anymore in that search for yourselves, at least for yourself. Billy, I don’t know how this sounds, did you outgrow each other?
Billy: Yea, I… It’s so simple to say that yea, we just outgrew it’s other. You know, it’s four and a half years of, to me, beautiful memories.
Boy: Did you fall out of love?
Billy: I just fell out of the face of the earth. I just, people see me everyday, but they don’t see me when I’m home. I love her. I still do. But it’s unfair to continue if I’m the one that’s… I don’t wanna continue to hurt her because I became distant, and I don’t wanna continue to hurt her cuz if I continue with this relationship, in the long run talagang hindi na kami magkakatugma, e.
Boy: Dahil may problema ka, may hinahanap ka…
Billy: We don’t see eye to eye on things, we’re not on the same page.
Boy: Was it a bad separation?
Billy: It happened numerous times, e.
Boy: Are you guys talking?
Billy: Well, we haven’t really talked “talk.”
Boy: But you had a formal goodbye?
Billy: Yea…
Boy: How badly did you fight to save this relationship?
Billy: Tito Boy, to be honest with you, she fought. She fought. She fought.
Boy: She fought, why didn’t you?
Billy: I tried.
Boy: You did.
Billy: I tried but she really stuck it out, I have to admit. And I’m admitting this because I respect her.
Boy: Ipaliwanag mo sa akin, she fought what? She wanted to save the relationship, she fought for the relationship. You tried but could not.
Billy: I just wasn’t there. I wasn’t myself.
Boy: Naintindihan n’ya ba? Naintindihan n’ya ba, naunawaan n’ya ba that you had to go, na hindi mo na kaya ‘yung relasyon?
Billy: Tito Boy, mahirap naman na maintindihan ng isang tao ‘yun, e.
Boy: She didn’t?
Billy: Because I mean, as I was saying a while ago, if it was another story, if I was seeing someone else or if she was seeing someone else and there was a mess, it would’ve been easier for someone to say yes, it’s my fault.
Boy: So diretsa natin ito bago pag-usapan ng mga tao. May third party involved ba?
Billy: No.
Boy: Wala, that’s why it’s a lot easier to talk about it.
Billy: It’s so much simpler if it was like that.
Boy: Alam mo dito sa ating negosyong ito, ‘pag may naghihiwalay, dalawa lamang ang ginagawa, either idini-deny or tumatahimik. You decided to come out and break your silence. You still love her but you have to go. Ang daming nagmamahal sa inyo, ang daming nagmamahal sa inyo. How do you explain that? You’re public figures. How do you explain that to people who love you?
Billy: Pasensiya na kayo. Sa lahat din ng sumuporta sa relationship namin ni Nikki, I think I could say from the both of us we really thank you cuz you give us strength din. But I’m sorry. I really apologize to everyone that fought. Cuz it’s really pressuring, to be honest with you, na you’re perceived as one of the most looked up couples, ideal couples, here in the industry. And mahirap i-continue and I just wanna say I’m sorry. I really apologize.
Boy: Did you talk about marriage?
Billy: Of course.
Boy: You did.
Billy: Of course. Umabot na sa puntong sino’ng mga ninong, ninang, sino’ng mga best men. You know, umabot na do’n syempre. Pero I really pray that matapos na ‘to lahat especially sa akin.
Boy: What are you learning, Billy? What are you learning now as we talk?
Billy: You know I feel like such a bad person, actually, to be honest. I feel like I’m… sometimes I feel like I’m not good enough. But I learned that importante pala na mahanap mo ‘yung sarili mo muna. I think kung maligaya ka, mas madaling magpaligaya ng ibang tao. And hindi ko s’ya, in the later part of our relationship hindi ko s’ya napaligaya; nasaktan ko s’ya. And she’s an amazing person, Tito Boy.
Boy: What would you wanna tell her now?
Billy: I hope you understand.
Boy: Billy, huling tanong na lamang. Are you sure in your heart that this is really the end; ito na talaga ang katapusan ng inyong relasyon?
Billy: Only God knows, Tito Boy.
Boy: Your prayer? What is your prayer?
Billy: Save me. I feel like the devil’s really, really strong. I feel defeated. All I can ask for is forgiveness and I just… Just save me.
Boy: Maraming salamat, Billy. Maraming, maraming salamat. Go home, spend time with mom and dad. Find yourself. But I genuinely, I truthfully, respect your pain.
Billy: Tito Boy, I just also wanna say that for the sake of my life lang, this will be the last time I will talk about what happened about this relationship. This is the first and this is the last. And I thank everyone for being there and I just really wanna say I’m sorry.
Boy: Thank you, maraming salamat.
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